How to Take Over the World

We've all had our stomach take over, driving us around the office, on the prowl for anything, anything to satiate its little growlings. While some people may claim to be in control of their snacking habits, the vending machine tells another tale...

Standing in front of that dratted machine this morning, with no desire other than to appease the pitiful pangs of my belly, I wondered who would be coerced into purchasing a "Smooshed Apple Flat" or the "Cococo Chocolate Organic Crackers." Only the deepest craving could force one to press the corresponding number and retrieve these scary sounding treats (if they can even be called treats). With so little options to vend today, and with such a pressing ache under my belt, I realized I was at the mercy of the machine. I suddenly saw the possibilities: by basing vending operations on a barter system, tasty snacks could be traded for small deeds. Imagine the possibilities. In the wrong hands, it could be dangerous.

While I would not take over the world with this plan (it could be done, by no means is this the most efficient way), I'm thinking of installing one in my house to barter for small chores. You may have a cookie if you mop the floor. You may have a granola bar if you empty the dishwasher, and so on. The beauty of it all is that I won't have to feed my guests anything significant and they'll never notice because the junk food compensation will outweigh their expectations. Believe me, it will work!

The Banana Bread Blog

Everyone who has ever baked a banana bread believes that theirs is the best in the world. This is unfortunate, because they are living a lie. Mine is the best.

Ok, I'm willing to share this title with my mother, since I use her recipe. I would extend to her the same right--to bestow the same honor on whomever shared the recipe with her--but I honestly can't speak for their baking method.

I wish that I had a secret to share about the banana bread, but I don't. Perhaps the secret is that I don't try to make it flashy and fancy. It's banana bread, people, not a sparkly bejewelled sweatshirt.

Now the question of quality and perception of quality comes to everyone's mind. The perfect banana bread must not be too dry (I think we can all agree on that, at least). It should maintain the same density throughout (we've all had that bread that gets harder to chew the farther your teeth get from the top). And the top...well, that's where the magic happens. The very top of the banana bread should open like a seam, it spreads just so, naturally, and in tasty goodness. The top isn't crusty, but a moist squishy layer that will stick to your teeth and cling to your taste buds. It's the epitome of the art of baking, where flour and banana and sugar and egg and whatever else the recipe calls for cease to exist as ingredients and come together in harmony.

If only we could each live our lives through the metaphor of the banana bread top. We'd all be pretty special.

Hot Dog Eating Contests Explained

It's still an enigma to us: how competitve eaters keep it all down. I went behind the scenes with the rising star of the eating industry and got answers to all the questions. He's a man of few words, but it's evident he knows how to eat. Here is its, a Q&A session with Mr. Chuck Upster:


1) What food contest do you prefer to perform in: pie eating, hot dogs, or something else?
Well now little missy, I's a be liking all kinds of food. Don't really mind too much just as long as the food be good. Can't be eating nothing which aint cooked like. Got me a bad gut ache once cause I's be eating a hot dog which gone bad by 'bout two months. I was sick as a dog for days, you just ask Isabelle and she tell ya 'bout it.

2) You had a brilliant performance in this year's Nate's Hot Dog eating contest at Coney Island. Although you didn't beat Kobayashi, you were just 6 hot dogs behind. Was this your personal best?
Sure, might as well of been, don't really recall too much 'bout that now. I's just be focusing on getting 'em down before tha other feller.

3) Do you prefer to vomit between rounds? What are your feelings about vomiting?
Ain't really got ta say much 'bout vomit. If a man's gotta vomit, a man's gotta vomit. I's a just think it be the same as peeing in a drinking competition.

4) How do you train? Walk us through a typical morning before a competition.
Well that's a good question now young lady. Isabelle usually makes me a fried breakfast which usually contains eggs, bacon, beans, corndogs, fired toast, sausage, ham, cheese and a couple cups of coffee. I usually focus my mind on the day's event. She says I'd be like an athelete or something, all tensed up waiting for the storm. You know, just like the Rocky feller in those films.

5) How did you get started in eating competitions? How long does a typical eating career last? Have you gained weight since you started?
Down at Cotton Eye Joe's burger joing, they had this here big 40 oz. prime steak. Old Joe himself said "you eat that and you get you and your woman a free meal." I said "Shit, I could eat me four of those steaks, Joe," and so I did and we got the meal. Joe then said "how's about I be your manager and we enter you into the competitions where you eat food." I said "sure, so long as it ain't on Thursday when Smallville be on."

6) Are you a purist--a picnic style eater (eat the hotdog with the bun), or do you prefer to eat them separately? Do you use anything to make it go down easier (like water or condiments?)
I just eat 'em.

7) Any advice for blossoming young hot dog eaters?
Just remember the stomach is expandable. That's all.

8) I'm curious what the after effects of a competition are. Do you get bloated, feel sick, have to spend an entire night on the toilet? Or is your body used to it by now?
Nah, just wash the food down with a coupla 40s.

9) What is Mrs. Upster like? Does she have any good hot dog recipes for our readers?
Isabelle don't really cook. We get meals for free down at Joe's, him being my manager and all.

10) There are rumors spreading that you take muscle relaxants to help you stuff your face. This is clearly a violation of International Federation of Competitive Eating rules. What do you have to say about these allegations?
Huh?

Thank you for your time Chuck. I don't think I've ever seen someone answer questions in hot dog color before. Good luck in this year's competitive eating season.

Special thanks to KS for putting words into Chuck's mouth!